It's fantastic to see all of the work being undertaken in and around Axminster railway station - as Network Rail add a 'passing loop' in time for the new December timetable - but I can't help wondering whether, when commissioning the station's new footbridge, the Powers That Be scoured the world for the ugliest construction that they could possibly find. If that was the case, then they have certainly succeeded in spectacular fashion.
Worse still, given that the monstrosity is fully covered - and remembering the stench of urine that greets visitors to the footbridge at Dawlish station in South Devon - I have a horrible feeling that it will be utilised as a toilet when the public conveniences on the platform are closed. How charming.
Tuesday 20 October 2009
Wednesday 7 October 2009
Spoiling for a scrap
After weeks of claiming that there was definitely no money left in the kitty, Labour’s King of Spin, Lord Mandelson, mysteriously (yet oh-so-predictably) announced an extension to the motor industry scrappage scheme at the Labour Party Conference, in a sickeningly superficial act of gesture politics. With over a quarter of a million cars registered since the scheme was launched, it looks – on the face of it – to have been an overwhelming success. However, scratch a little more deeply and you begin to discover a different story.
With the amount of debt that Gordon Brown has lumbered the country with, the only realistic chance of ever repaying it is a concerted return to manufacturing. It’s often said that only manufacturing creates real wealth – everything else is just the same old money being moved around in circles. Sadly, the British consumer displays a bewildering lack of patriotism; most new cars sold in this country are manufactured overseas (only two cars in September’s Top 10 best-sellers were built here), a statistic that most people in France, Germany and Italy would find utterly incomprehensible.
So, the scrappage scheme is helping car factories in Germany (who build five of our Top 10), Korea (Hyundai had a record month thanks to the scheme) and numerous other countries, but offering very little real assistance to what is left of Britain’s car industry. Yep, the scheme helps the dealers, but they are not the only retailers struggling in this recession – why not similar aid for DIY stores, estate agents (did I really just say that?), even clothes shops – all of have been equally hard hit by the economic downturn.
Another reason to be sceptical of the scheme was the report in a recent edition of Autocar that featured a selection of some of the vehicles that had been traded-in and which were now heading for the crusher. There was a very nice Inca Yellow MGB GT – as the reporter put it, not mint condition but hardly scrap, whilst the person who was sending a decent condition 1960s Singer Gazelle to the ‘big car park in the sky’ should feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Quite frankly, I'd sooner see it's owner recycled for spares...
With the amount of debt that Gordon Brown has lumbered the country with, the only realistic chance of ever repaying it is a concerted return to manufacturing. It’s often said that only manufacturing creates real wealth – everything else is just the same old money being moved around in circles. Sadly, the British consumer displays a bewildering lack of patriotism; most new cars sold in this country are manufactured overseas (only two cars in September’s Top 10 best-sellers were built here), a statistic that most people in France, Germany and Italy would find utterly incomprehensible.
So, the scrappage scheme is helping car factories in Germany (who build five of our Top 10), Korea (Hyundai had a record month thanks to the scheme) and numerous other countries, but offering very little real assistance to what is left of Britain’s car industry. Yep, the scheme helps the dealers, but they are not the only retailers struggling in this recession – why not similar aid for DIY stores, estate agents (did I really just say that?), even clothes shops – all of have been equally hard hit by the economic downturn.
Another reason to be sceptical of the scheme was the report in a recent edition of Autocar that featured a selection of some of the vehicles that had been traded-in and which were now heading for the crusher. There was a very nice Inca Yellow MGB GT – as the reporter put it, not mint condition but hardly scrap, whilst the person who was sending a decent condition 1960s Singer Gazelle to the ‘big car park in the sky’ should feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Quite frankly, I'd sooner see it's owner recycled for spares...
Tuesday 15 September 2009
A rover-reaction
In a report costing a staggering sixteen million quid, the Government lambasted The Phoenix Four – the former directors of MG Rover – for paying themselves £40-odd million... and did so without the slightest hint of irony. The fact that it was the slippery Lord Mandelson, famously booted out of Government, not once but twice, for dodgy dealings makes the foaming-at-the-mouth reaction (the sort usually only reserved for paedophiles and terrorists) even more ludicrous.
Unusually for the media - especially given their beloved Gordon Brown’s involvement (he vetoed a survival package for the company in a rumoured plot to damage Tony Blair) - they have lamely and lazily accepted the report’s findings word for word. What’s even worse is their extremely belated concern for the 5000-or-so workers who lost their jobs way back in 2005, having been the very same media responsible for constantly ridiculing their products and undermining their efforts whilst their company was fighting for its life (I vividly remember The Sun’s front page, dancing on Rover’s grave when BMW pulled out).
On the subject of BMW pulling out, let’s not forget that the Phoenix Four supplied skilled jobs for those 5000 workers for a further 5 years, not forgetting the huge amount of tax paid to the Government, the same Government that has now turned on them so spectacularly. Having raped and pillaged the company, the Germans knew that MG Rover was on borrowed time and simply handed the company to someone else so that they would get the flak when the inevitable happened, although given the British people’s love of all things BMW, including both Police and Ministers shamefully choosing them ahead of Jaguar, it’s very doubtful that they would’ve received anything like the same criticism as the Phoenix Four.
Three of the P4 - Messrs Towers, Stephenson and Edwards - had been involved with the company for a very long time... I genuinely doubt that they would’ve done anything to deliberately harm it, and if anybody believes that the £40 million that they ‘took’ would’ve made a blind bit of difference to the company's survival, then they're seriously deluded. Yes, those directors may well have been out of their depth, but, as far as I know, this isn’t yet a crime (if it was, most of my favourite football team would’ve been placed behind bars weeks’ ago), although with this Government anything is possible. I actually think they were right to accuse the Government of a witch-hunt – stupidly, on hearing this, Mandelson unleashed yet another barrage of vitriol in their direction, inadvertently giving further credence to the directors’ accusations of a grudge!
Later this month, it’s rumoured that SAIC, the Chinese owners of what is left of the once-sprawling Longbridge plant on the southern outskirts of Birmingham, will announce whether the famous old factory will produce their new MG6 saloon. Fingers-crossed. The plant, still affectionately referred to as ‘The Austin’ by locals, deserves some good news.
Unusually for the media - especially given their beloved Gordon Brown’s involvement (he vetoed a survival package for the company in a rumoured plot to damage Tony Blair) - they have lamely and lazily accepted the report’s findings word for word. What’s even worse is their extremely belated concern for the 5000-or-so workers who lost their jobs way back in 2005, having been the very same media responsible for constantly ridiculing their products and undermining their efforts whilst their company was fighting for its life (I vividly remember The Sun’s front page, dancing on Rover’s grave when BMW pulled out).
On the subject of BMW pulling out, let’s not forget that the Phoenix Four supplied skilled jobs for those 5000 workers for a further 5 years, not forgetting the huge amount of tax paid to the Government, the same Government that has now turned on them so spectacularly. Having raped and pillaged the company, the Germans knew that MG Rover was on borrowed time and simply handed the company to someone else so that they would get the flak when the inevitable happened, although given the British people’s love of all things BMW, including both Police and Ministers shamefully choosing them ahead of Jaguar, it’s very doubtful that they would’ve received anything like the same criticism as the Phoenix Four.
Three of the P4 - Messrs Towers, Stephenson and Edwards - had been involved with the company for a very long time... I genuinely doubt that they would’ve done anything to deliberately harm it, and if anybody believes that the £40 million that they ‘took’ would’ve made a blind bit of difference to the company's survival, then they're seriously deluded. Yes, those directors may well have been out of their depth, but, as far as I know, this isn’t yet a crime (if it was, most of my favourite football team would’ve been placed behind bars weeks’ ago), although with this Government anything is possible. I actually think they were right to accuse the Government of a witch-hunt – stupidly, on hearing this, Mandelson unleashed yet another barrage of vitriol in their direction, inadvertently giving further credence to the directors’ accusations of a grudge!
Later this month, it’s rumoured that SAIC, the Chinese owners of what is left of the once-sprawling Longbridge plant on the southern outskirts of Birmingham, will announce whether the famous old factory will produce their new MG6 saloon. Fingers-crossed. The plant, still affectionately referred to as ‘The Austin’ by locals, deserves some good news.
Tuesday 1 September 2009
Ashes to ashes
So, England (well, nine Englishmen and two South Africans) won The Ashes again? Thankfully, we seem to have been spared the mass hysteria of last time (and hopefully the MBEs that went with it). Let’s face it, being a two team series, even before a ball was bowled England had a 50% chance of winning (increasing to something like 84.6% if they happened to win three of the five tosses!).
Now, I have nothing against cricket – I can see why people enjoy an informal knockabout on the village green, I just can’t fathom why people would want to pay serious money to see the likes of test cricket and one day finals where the result is largely determined by the toss of a coin. Sorry, until cricket introduces a more reasonable, less fairground system of deciding who bats first, I’m afraid I won’t be able to take the sport seriously.
Either that or Lords replaces the entire 25-day Ashes series with a ten minute ‘best of five’ toss-up, with the winning captain taking home The Ashes, removing the need for any of this increasingly unnecessary cricket mullarkey. Sounds fair enough to me.
Now, I have nothing against cricket – I can see why people enjoy an informal knockabout on the village green, I just can’t fathom why people would want to pay serious money to see the likes of test cricket and one day finals where the result is largely determined by the toss of a coin. Sorry, until cricket introduces a more reasonable, less fairground system of deciding who bats first, I’m afraid I won’t be able to take the sport seriously.
Either that or Lords replaces the entire 25-day Ashes series with a ten minute ‘best of five’ toss-up, with the winning captain taking home The Ashes, removing the need for any of this increasingly unnecessary cricket mullarkey. Sounds fair enough to me.
Wednesday 5 August 2009
Eco un-friendly
It’s bad enough when Tesco keep referring to their proposed new supermarket in Seaton as an ‘eco-store’, but when the local press repeat the same Tesco propaganda, it’s even more infuriating.
Let’s not be hoodwinked here, Tesco’s new store may, or may not, have a long list of worthy green credentials, but it’s still a supermarket (an unsuitably oversized one) first and foremost.
No amount of solar panels can alter that fact.
Let’s not be hoodwinked here, Tesco’s new store may, or may not, have a long list of worthy green credentials, but it’s still a supermarket (an unsuitably oversized one) first and foremost.
No amount of solar panels can alter that fact.
Sunday 2 August 2009
Pyscho-analysing
The conclusion of the BBC2 series Pyschoville will leave a huge, half-hour void in my Thursday evenings.
When the series was unveiled a few people sneered, reckoning that, without the talents of Jeremy Dyson and Mark Gatiss, the new venture would fail to achieve the success of The League of Gentlemen (whose third series in particular was the work of genius).
People needn’t have worried, though. Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith created a programme that was, somehow, even better than their previous work. Occasionally poignant, usually hilarious, often warped, it was always brilliantly clever. It made the current crop of television comedies appear even more lazy than usual.
It will be missed.
When the series was unveiled a few people sneered, reckoning that, without the talents of Jeremy Dyson and Mark Gatiss, the new venture would fail to achieve the success of The League of Gentlemen (whose third series in particular was the work of genius).
People needn’t have worried, though. Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith created a programme that was, somehow, even better than their previous work. Occasionally poignant, usually hilarious, often warped, it was always brilliantly clever. It made the current crop of television comedies appear even more lazy than usual.
It will be missed.
Friday 31 July 2009
Feeling sheepish
Shaunetta, the sheep allegedly stranded on a cliff edge in North Yorkshire for a month, has died. I say ‘allegedly’ since some locals claimed that she was able to escape back up to the fields whenever she wanted and simply visited the ledge because she preferred the view from there.
The RSPCA - that’s the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, in case you had forgotten (please remember that PCA bit) - were called and, presumably because Shaunetta suffered from the misfortune of having not been born a cat or dog, ordered that she be shot ‘in the best interests of the animal’. Well, I don’t know about you, but being a healthy (hopefully) and happy (definitely) animal myself, if someone wanted to shoot me ‘in my best interests’, I wouldn’t be best pleased.
If this is the sort of action undertaken by a society that claims to prevent animal cruelty, then I shudder to think what would’ve happened if a society that encourages animal cruelty had been called instead. Maybe Shaunetta would’ve been machine-gunned to death, as opposed to having to endure a single bullet?
Just makes me a little angry and a little sad. I’ve a good mind to phone the RSPCA and report the incident. Oh...
The RSPCA - that’s the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, in case you had forgotten (please remember that PCA bit) - were called and, presumably because Shaunetta suffered from the misfortune of having not been born a cat or dog, ordered that she be shot ‘in the best interests of the animal’. Well, I don’t know about you, but being a healthy (hopefully) and happy (definitely) animal myself, if someone wanted to shoot me ‘in my best interests’, I wouldn’t be best pleased.
If this is the sort of action undertaken by a society that claims to prevent animal cruelty, then I shudder to think what would’ve happened if a society that encourages animal cruelty had been called instead. Maybe Shaunetta would’ve been machine-gunned to death, as opposed to having to endure a single bullet?
Just makes me a little angry and a little sad. I’ve a good mind to phone the RSPCA and report the incident. Oh...
Thursday 30 July 2009
The price is right
Apparently, it’s been reported in OK! magazine that Katie Price is considering becoming a surrogate mother for one of her gay friends.
I wonder what it’s like for your life to be one long publicity stunt?
I wonder what it’s like for your life to be one long publicity stunt?
Thursday 5 March 2009
Art for art's sake
Last week, in the space of a long weekend, I saw three Art Deco buildings.
Trouble is, all of them were 100% fake - one of them having been ‘knocked-up’ a couple of years ago, with the other two having been erected in the last few months.
As buildings in an Art Deco-style, they’re a decent attempt, but why go to all that trouble when all over the land there are beautiful, genuine Art Deco buildings being torn down by a combination of clueless councillors and dim-witted developers? Well, they were, before the recession.
These Modernist buildings from the golden era of the 1920s and 30s - with their clean, smooth surfaces and contrasting, ornate detailing - have often been overlooked simply because people believed that it was impossible for anything beautiful, especially architecturally, to have come out of the 20th Century.
The Hoover Building in Middlesex is widely regarded as the finest example of Art Deco architecture in the British Isles and was restored by Tesco - not renowned for its social conscience - when converted to a supermarket following its closure as a vacuum cleaner factory in the early 1980s.
Nearby, the (arguably even more wonderful) Firestone tyre factory wasn’t so lucky. Sadly, developers got wind of the structure’s impending listing by the Department of the Environment, and so when the preservation order arrived, the dust was still freshly rising from the rubble following the visit of the bulldozers only days earlier.
In an act of pure vandalism, the developers cynically worked faster than any building company before or since to get the huge structure demolished over the course of the August Bank Holiday weekend in 1980. That was a lot of triple overtime, even back then.
Thankfully, the Firestone factory didn’t die in vain. The subsequent outrage was channelled into the formation of The Twentieth Century Society who campaign for the preservation of Britain’s architectural heritage, protecting buildings constructed from the end of World War I right up to the present day.
The society has helped high-profile buildings, like Hoover, survive, but as I mentioned earlier, more obscure Art Deco buildings are still disappearing, or are in danger of disappearing, at an alarming rate. Just five years after Firestone disappeared, the much less well-known, but equally splendid, Woolworths store in Weymouth - complete with tiled façade and ocean liner appearance - was demolished, to be replaced by a depressingly nondescript row of shops.
Further along the coast, Campbell House in Plymouth, once home to Habitat, is facing an uncertain future, despite it being one of only a handful of buildings in the city centre that survived the blitz. Where the Luftwaffe failed, sometimes councillors and developers succeed. Let’s hope not.
Trouble is, all of them were 100% fake - one of them having been ‘knocked-up’ a couple of years ago, with the other two having been erected in the last few months.
As buildings in an Art Deco-style, they’re a decent attempt, but why go to all that trouble when all over the land there are beautiful, genuine Art Deco buildings being torn down by a combination of clueless councillors and dim-witted developers? Well, they were, before the recession.
These Modernist buildings from the golden era of the 1920s and 30s - with their clean, smooth surfaces and contrasting, ornate detailing - have often been overlooked simply because people believed that it was impossible for anything beautiful, especially architecturally, to have come out of the 20th Century.
The Hoover Building in Middlesex is widely regarded as the finest example of Art Deco architecture in the British Isles and was restored by Tesco - not renowned for its social conscience - when converted to a supermarket following its closure as a vacuum cleaner factory in the early 1980s.
Nearby, the (arguably even more wonderful) Firestone tyre factory wasn’t so lucky. Sadly, developers got wind of the structure’s impending listing by the Department of the Environment, and so when the preservation order arrived, the dust was still freshly rising from the rubble following the visit of the bulldozers only days earlier.
In an act of pure vandalism, the developers cynically worked faster than any building company before or since to get the huge structure demolished over the course of the August Bank Holiday weekend in 1980. That was a lot of triple overtime, even back then.
Thankfully, the Firestone factory didn’t die in vain. The subsequent outrage was channelled into the formation of The Twentieth Century Society who campaign for the preservation of Britain’s architectural heritage, protecting buildings constructed from the end of World War I right up to the present day.
The society has helped high-profile buildings, like Hoover, survive, but as I mentioned earlier, more obscure Art Deco buildings are still disappearing, or are in danger of disappearing, at an alarming rate. Just five years after Firestone disappeared, the much less well-known, but equally splendid, Woolworths store in Weymouth - complete with tiled façade and ocean liner appearance - was demolished, to be replaced by a depressingly nondescript row of shops.
Further along the coast, Campbell House in Plymouth, once home to Habitat, is facing an uncertain future, despite it being one of only a handful of buildings in the city centre that survived the blitz. Where the Luftwaffe failed, sometimes councillors and developers succeed. Let’s hope not.
Wednesday 18 February 2009
I could be so good for you
I’ve got some sad news. After a long illness, Originality finally died on 4 February 2009. I’ve strongly suspected for a while that the world was struggling to create anything that was truly new - quite simply, everything remotely creative had already been ‘done’. That said, confirmation that the inventiveness reservoir had finally run dry still came as quite a shock.
The final straw occurred when Five finally aired their new version of Minder - an undoubted TV classic, especially for gentleman of a certain age (of which, thankfully, I consider myself a member). The internet community had seemingly written it off even before seeing an episode, although the Daily Mail, not renowned for its benevolence, had been unusually enthusiastic about the first couple of episodes. I didn’t know whom to believe.
Having missed the series’ opener, I managed to catch the second installment - and soon wished that I hadn’t. The new theme tune is dreadfully lifeless, whilst I also miss the traditional ‘Minder’ logotype on the opening titles (he says, putting his ‘Design’ hat on for a second). What follows, though, is even worse.
Shane Ritchie was always a controversial choice for the lead role of Archie Daley (Arthur’s nephew), and those fears were proven to be well-founded. Whereas George Cole played his character ‘straight’ with just the right amount of humour, Ritchie plays his part strictly for laughs, creating a character that is silly, irritating and completely unlikeable. When your co-stars, Rik Mayall and Myra Syal, are made to look like Hollywood heavyweights, then you know that you have got problems.
Sadly, Ritchie’s ego or delusion (I’m not sure which) saw him believe that he, a former Pontins’ Blue Coat and soap actor, could step into the shoes of a true master, George Cole. Although, Dennis Waterman’s trainers are easier to fill, Lex Shrapnel’s convincing portrayal of new minder, Jamie, still deserves some credit - although he clearly isn’t the series ‘lead’, which Waterman obviously was.
If it had been my decision, I would’ve cast Waterman in the lead role, as Terry, looking after (the probably now-deceased) Arthur’s business empire. Shrapnel could happily have fulfilled the minder character within this set-up, whilst an aging Waterman should have enough gravitas to drive the show whilst retaining an all-important link with the past.
Sadly, the new Minder is the culmination of years of deterioration that probably began with the likes of Jive Bunny, saw TV classics such as Starsky & Hutch and Charlie’s Angels cynically regurgitated as oh-so-predictable movies, and design icons, the Volkswagen Beetle (although the original was never formally christened ‘Beetle’) and the Mini (I refuse to tow the BMW line by spelling it in capitals!) being reborn as technically competent but visually lazy pastiches of their former selves.
Next up for the modern treatment is the brilliant (well, the first two series, anyway) The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, with Martin Clunes in the lead role. Now, I like Clunes - I even bumped into him in a garden centre one Sunday - but he ain’t no Leonard Rossister.
The thought of it is almost enough to make me have a Perrin-style mid-life crisis, especially since West Bay - the beach where Reggie left his clothes when faking his own suicide - is only 20 minutes down the road from me…
The final straw occurred when Five finally aired their new version of Minder - an undoubted TV classic, especially for gentleman of a certain age (of which, thankfully, I consider myself a member). The internet community had seemingly written it off even before seeing an episode, although the Daily Mail, not renowned for its benevolence, had been unusually enthusiastic about the first couple of episodes. I didn’t know whom to believe.
Having missed the series’ opener, I managed to catch the second installment - and soon wished that I hadn’t. The new theme tune is dreadfully lifeless, whilst I also miss the traditional ‘Minder’ logotype on the opening titles (he says, putting his ‘Design’ hat on for a second). What follows, though, is even worse.
Shane Ritchie was always a controversial choice for the lead role of Archie Daley (Arthur’s nephew), and those fears were proven to be well-founded. Whereas George Cole played his character ‘straight’ with just the right amount of humour, Ritchie plays his part strictly for laughs, creating a character that is silly, irritating and completely unlikeable. When your co-stars, Rik Mayall and Myra Syal, are made to look like Hollywood heavyweights, then you know that you have got problems.
Sadly, Ritchie’s ego or delusion (I’m not sure which) saw him believe that he, a former Pontins’ Blue Coat and soap actor, could step into the shoes of a true master, George Cole. Although, Dennis Waterman’s trainers are easier to fill, Lex Shrapnel’s convincing portrayal of new minder, Jamie, still deserves some credit - although he clearly isn’t the series ‘lead’, which Waterman obviously was.
If it had been my decision, I would’ve cast Waterman in the lead role, as Terry, looking after (the probably now-deceased) Arthur’s business empire. Shrapnel could happily have fulfilled the minder character within this set-up, whilst an aging Waterman should have enough gravitas to drive the show whilst retaining an all-important link with the past.
Sadly, the new Minder is the culmination of years of deterioration that probably began with the likes of Jive Bunny, saw TV classics such as Starsky & Hutch and Charlie’s Angels cynically regurgitated as oh-so-predictable movies, and design icons, the Volkswagen Beetle (although the original was never formally christened ‘Beetle’) and the Mini (I refuse to tow the BMW line by spelling it in capitals!) being reborn as technically competent but visually lazy pastiches of their former selves.
Next up for the modern treatment is the brilliant (well, the first two series, anyway) The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, with Martin Clunes in the lead role. Now, I like Clunes - I even bumped into him in a garden centre one Sunday - but he ain’t no Leonard Rossister.
The thought of it is almost enough to make me have a Perrin-style mid-life crisis, especially since West Bay - the beach where Reggie left his clothes when faking his own suicide - is only 20 minutes down the road from me…
Wednesday 11 February 2009
Brazil nuts
People seemed genuinely shocked at Chelsea’s sacking of Luiz Felipe Scolari, pointing to the fact that he had managed Brazil to a World Cup victory.
I wasn’t in the least bit surprised, though.
It should be obvious that international football is a completely different kettle of fish to the day-to-day involvement of club football.
And I reckon that even I could win the World Cup with Brazil, given the players that would be at my disposal.
Sandra Redknapp would probably fancy her chances too.
I wasn’t in the least bit surprised, though.
It should be obvious that international football is a completely different kettle of fish to the day-to-day involvement of club football.
And I reckon that even I could win the World Cup with Brazil, given the players that would be at my disposal.
Sandra Redknapp would probably fancy her chances too.
Monday 9 February 2009
Food for thought
Well, the Great Channel 4 Food Fight is over for another year. Have 12 months really passed since Hugh’s Chicken Run, which put our town of Axminster on the map, and - at times - came close to splitting the place in two?
This year, we were treated to Big Chef takes on Little Chef, a hopeless mismatch in true modern day televisual style, as presumably imitated from the likes of Wife Swap and Holiday Showdown.
If you don’t believe in the old adage of there being no such thing as bad publicity, then the only winners from this curiously pointless triple-bill of shows were BMW - there must’ve been approaching a zillion gratuitous shots of Heston’s shiny black 5-series. Reminded me of Alan Partridge and his Rover 800 Sterling.
There was also a rather helpful programme that told us - with not the slightest hint of irony - that cheap food wasn’t as good as expensive food. Unbelievable. And it took them a whole hour.
Still, at least Masterchef continues its run, despite the suspicion that this latest series has seen some of its worst cooks ever – although its rigid formula and mock tension is, frustratingly, the same as it has always been.
There have been times - especially during a recent ingredients test when budding chefs were asked to identify an Ostrich Egg and Stilton Cheese - when I’ve thought that even I could blag my way through to the second half of the programme.
Imagine Greg, once memorably likened to Bunson from The Muppets Show, and his reaction to my… um… er… beans on toast:
(Speaking slowly, but assertively)
“First, you get the lightly-toasted bread.”
(Lowering his voice, whilst adding a note of pleasant surprise)
“Then, you get just a hint of butter.”
(Stamping his foot and beginning to growl ever-so-slightly)
“Then, BANG, in come the beans!”
Reckon I would still beat the woman who memorably threw together Chorizo sausage, peaches and Feta cheese on pastry, though.
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